i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
