im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
