Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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