He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
