On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
