Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
