My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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