i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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