Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
