I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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