I could have mohawked her pubes.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
they're like a gay fantastic four
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
