brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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