Fine. I'll sleep in my office
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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