genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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