He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
