my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
