Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize