Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
