I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
he fucked my hip out of place.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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