sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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