I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
