She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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