she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
