a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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