My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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