I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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