Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
