apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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