im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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