what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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