Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
