So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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