One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
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Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
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My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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