So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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