Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
