apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Just high enough for therapy.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
