I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Randomize
