you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
