Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
