Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
