lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
