um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
It's just like the Real World with babies
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
