So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
