You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
