the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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