I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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