my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
