im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
