Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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