The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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