put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
