For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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