sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
