You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
