I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I just gift wrapped bread.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
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