trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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