Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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