I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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