i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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