Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
