Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
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Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
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Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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